WHO AM I TODAY?
This post has been a loooonnnggg time coming. Like hello, this is finally happening! Holy shit! I can’t tell you how exciting this feels to be taking this step & actually writing content, NOT just talking about it.
When it came time to write this post I started to feel the doubt creep in, and that little voice inside begin to do what it does best, which is overthink.
I’ve written and re-written this. I’ve loved it & totally f*cking hated it. I’ve agonized over what I should say or shouldn’t say. If I open up too much and too quickly will people think I’m crazy!?-I mean...I kinda exhaust myself. I’m a perfectionist & an over thinker, it’s not something I wear as a badge of honor, but it’s part of me, and I have to own it. I like to think I’m a constant work in progress and always growing... “progress not perfection, right?” I know myself and once I actually start this, I’ll feel excited and over the moon. Sometimes it’s the starting that is almost debilitating. Getting stuck in comparison and this idea that we need to be like everyone else. But we don’t, we just need to be courageous enough to step out into the world just as we are.
So I’m going to be open and share what’s on my heart. What I’m really feeling, right now.
I struggle with feeling like because I don’t have a defined style, because I haven’t put a lot of focus on my “outer” looks or appearance, that because I don’t look like other bloggers and I don’t have a Rolodex of batch photos to dip into, that I’m not good enough or the right fit for this situation. I don’t have tons of pictures of my work or me that somehow show just how Knowledgeable I am when it comes to makeup. I don’t have loads of content or documented “evidence” that speaks to my years of expertise in the makeup and beauty world. That because of these things (that I’ve somehow decided I have to have) people won’t believe me or trust me.
I picked up my phone to find photos to post, since you can’t seem to be a Blogger and not have amazing photos right!? And I was gutted by the realization that all the pictures of me with makeup on, where I look like a *makeup artist* (whatever a makeup artist looks like), are actually from like 2 years ago.
In these pictures I have brown hair, purple hair, green hair, blue hair. I don’t have blonde hair like I have now. The ones where I look more like the woman I am today are of a girl with no makeup on, her hair on top of her head, most likely wearing headphones & some athleisurewear. I feel ashamed of this. Embarrassed. Like what the fuck happened to me? Where did that girl with all the amazing makeup go??
Well, guess what, that girl is still here. She’s still ME. She’s my Deuxaliti. She’s the other part of me that makes me unique and whole and authentically ME. The part that loves makeup and loves to express herself in color. That loves to wear bold makeup in odd placement and isn’t afraid to try new things. She’s a professional makeup artist. A creative. A lover off all things Beauty & Wellness. She isn’t wearing makeup but she is beauty obsessed! She’s a hoarder of glitter and gloss and eyeshadow. She wears black lipstick on a Tuesday to the grocery store and craft glitter under her eyes to the beach. She’s eccentric, she’s care free, she’s expressive, unique, talented and artistic.
There’s also the other side of me. The more quiet, subdued, introverted part to my extroverted self. She is more timid, she worries, she’s scared. She’s shy. She has spent the last two years working on herself. She doesn’t get dressed up everyday or wear makeup religiously. She has learned to love who she is. She has different sides, and different ways of expressing herself. Both are ME, and they are equally ENOUGH.
I don’t like the notion of there being a right way or a wrong way, but yet I still find myself getting hung up on them. I know at my core that I am courageous and a rule breaker, that I don’t fit the box or like the status quo. At times I struggle with anxiety and fear which result in a lack of confidence, but when I step back, I realize it's just a fear of the unknown. Hello!? this is normal! I am not unique!
My hope is to create something that is shaped by my experiences that it is a woven book of all the things that I have been through and haven’t been through. It’s also a place to give me the space to let go of the person I think I need to be — to make room for the person I know I am meant to be.
Who can relate? I'd love to hear what you did to get back into the swing of things.